Prison vs Work

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

*you** spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. *
*you** spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.*
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get three meals a day (free).
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get time off for good behavior.
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors
yourself.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you can watch TV and play games.
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get your own toilet.
you have to share.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*
 
they allow your family and friends to visit.
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*
 
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.* *
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
 
Humm?
Which Sounds Better?

Typical or Topical

Government Departments – (Excellent) A guy applies for a job at a new South African Government Department. The interviewer asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” “Yes!” the guy says, “…a landmine blew my testicles away!” “O.K. you’re hired!” the interviewer announces, “Working hours are from 8 till 5 o’clock. Make sure you’re here by 10 every morning!” Puzzled the guy says “8 till 5, why do you want me to come in only at 10?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that….!”

The South African Librarian A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian takes one look at him and says “Voetsek, who’s gonna bring it back?” A Major Earthquake A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria this morning. 350 000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government does not know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country. Europe is sending food and money. South Africa is sending 350 000 replacement Nigerians. The Weakest Link In response to the popularity of The Weakest Link, Kyknet will be launching an Afrikaans version. After many months of creative brainstorming, they have managed to come up with a catchy version of: “You are the weakest link – goodbye.” The producers have settled on what will surely become a popular phrase, applicable to many other situations too ……… “Jy’s dof – fokof!”

Southern Grandma

 Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young
boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you
haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,> he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do
you know the defense attorney?” She again replied,
“Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can’t build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
 counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.

Diary of a new bride

 Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun
to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said,
“Beat 12 eggs separately”. Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out
fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
“Serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to
bring a friend
home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I
served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said,
“Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of
the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got
one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for
over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt
all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I’ll try and be
supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it”. Beat it I did, to my mum’s place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress
and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When
Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of
his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was
wrong he started crying and shouting out “Why me? Why me?”

It has to be his job.

Stupid Questions

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and
some equally stupid answers :-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question: – Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it’s so hot; there were no cool cabs so I thought i’d
watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia….. Why don’t you try
again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the “blah blah blah” dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly
also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:- No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout…it’s just
the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when
you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What
do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts
Answer:- And while I’m telling you, you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question :-Oh, so you smoke
Answer :-No, it’s a miracle ………..it was a chalk and now it’s in
flames!!!

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that

they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a
dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good
dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good
dentist, how  did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."

Bored Husband

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along
to go shopping.

Dear Mrs. Murry,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of
offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance
cameras.

MEMO

Re: Complaints

15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, Code 3″ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag
of M&M’s on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department and asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his
“Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those
voices again!!!

And; last, but not least..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper
in here!”

Men vs Women

 CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I
can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the
New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
 
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws

 WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

 The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM ” He left it where
he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Stupidity

 In Honour of Stupid People … In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.

· On Woolworth’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on
the bottom) – “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late,
huh!)

· On Pick n’ Pay’s peanuts – “Warning: contains
nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

· On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine – “Do not
drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We
could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those
bulldozers.)

· On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – “Product
will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????)

· On a Clicks hairdryer – “Do not use while
sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

· On a bag of Simba Chips – “You could be a
winner! No purchase necessary! Details inside.” (the shoplifter
special?)

· On a bar of Dove soap – “Directions: Use like
regular soap.” (and that would be???)

· On some Checkers frozen dinners – “Serving
suggestion: Defrost.” (please note that it’s just a suggestion.)

· On the packaging of a Rowenta iron – “Don’t
iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?)

· On Nytol Sleep Aid – “Warning: May cause
drowsiness.” (..I’m taking this because???)

· On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern
origin – “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)

· On a Japanese food processor – “Not to be
used for the other use.” (Now, somebody out there, please help me on
this. I’m a bit curious.)

· Instructions on a SA Airways packet of
peanuts – [1] Open packet; [2] Eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?)

· On a child’s Superman costume – “Wearing of
this garment does not enable you to fly.” (Don’t blame the company. I
blame the parents for this one.)

· On a German chainsaw – “Do not attempt to
stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Donner und blitzenl! Was
there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Clever Marketing

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of
money to spend.
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes
every day.
Ahmed says; Look at your sign, it says, “I have no work, a wife and six kids
to support.”
Britons who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving
you money.
You will still have no job and a large family.
Now look at my sign.
So Hamid looks and Ahmed’s sign reads,
“I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan”