Stupid Foreigners

 Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website
and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking or sniffing.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a
list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa?
(USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh
forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked..
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and
we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.. (USA)
 A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South
African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good
pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black),
rinkhals and municipal workers.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

“I know the whole truth”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, “I know the whole truth” – even when you don’t know
anything.
The boy goes home and decides to try it. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” The mother
quickly hands him a $20 and tells him, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work,
and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly
hands him $4o and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he
sees the mailman at the front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I
know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arm and
says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.*
*Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my
dress size, you dumb ass!”

The moral of the story: **Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

Not Funny

Little Johnny mistakenly enters his parents’ bedroom and sees his
mother on her hands and knees with his father giving it to her from
behind and slapping her on the ass. He sees Johnny and laughs, throws
a cushion at him and says, “Get out.”

A while later the father hears noises coming from Johnny’s room and
walks in to find Johnny shagging his gran from behind.

A shocked father screams,” What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Johnny replies, “Not so fcuking funny when it’s your mom, is it?”

3 Worst Nightmares

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy
rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and
searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she
had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,”
she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
 
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied,
 snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,”
she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?”
demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied,
“That’s me before the surgery .”

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy’s marriage, so
he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He
thought to himself,
“what should I do?”
 
“Oh-I know.”
 
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasm with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving
her legs.
He exclaimed,
“What are you doing in here?!?”
 
She said, “Shhhh!,”
pointing at the bed,
“You’ll wake your mother”

 NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the
guy starts feeling a little h **** .

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her,
“Honey, would you give me a b *** job?”
 
Horrified, she replies,
 ”Are you mad?
My parents will see us!

“Oh come on!”
“Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
He asks grinning at her.

“No, please, can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on!There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”

“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can.. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t” “I’m begging you…”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s
sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice
she says,

“Dad says to go ahead and give him a b*** job, or I can do it. Or if
need b, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God’s
sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”

*Q: Why men walk more*
 
*and women talk more?*
 
*A: Coz men have three legs*
 
*and women have four lips!** *
 

*A man stands nude in front*
 
*of a mirror and examins*
 
*himself n says: 2 inches more*
 
*&** I’ll be a king.*
 
*His wife sitting behind says:*
 
*2 inches less **& **you’ll be*
 
*a queen*
 
 
 
*Why do women wear flowered panties?*
 
*A: Cuz its their way of saying,*
 
*’In memory of those who were buried**here!** *

 
 
*3 guys were introduced 2 a girl,*
 
*hi I’m Peter not a saint,*
 
*hi I’m Paul not a pope,*
 
*I’m John not a baptist,*
 
*the girl said hi*
 
*I’m Mary not a virgin!** *
 
*Wife asked her husband how*
 
*many women he had slept with.*
 
*Husband proudly replies, only*
 
*you darling, with others*
 
*I was awake!!!** *

Time is up

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I h ad
another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?”
 
God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

Household Tips

 *Martha’s Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
 *Muriel’s Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake!
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
 
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

Buy SMASH potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.

Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
“fix-me-up.”

If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad – You did
your bit.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!

 Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
 forehead. The throbbing will go away.
 
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that gorgeous neighbor if he can open it for you! Its a fantastic
way to break the ice before taking him to bed!

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine???????????
HELLOooooooooooooo!!!

*NO speak English*

There was this Asian lady married to an American man
and they lived in Honolulu.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English language, but managed to
communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton She
didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up
her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how
to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The
lady got what she wanted.
 
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store…
(Please scroll page down.)
 

*What were you thinking?*
 
*Helloooooooooo* , her husband speaks English!!
*Now get back to work……….. *

BILLY’S GAY DANCER DAD

 Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays rugby for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say.”