Prison vs Work

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

*you** spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. *
*you** spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.*
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get three meals a day (free).
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get time off for good behavior.
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors
yourself.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you can watch TV and play games.
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*

you get your own toilet.
you have to share.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*
 
they allow your family and friends to visit.
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
 
*IN PRISON*
*AT WORK*
 
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.* *
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
 
Humm?
Which Sounds Better?

Typical or Topical

Government Departments – (Excellent) A guy applies for a job at a new South African Government Department. The interviewer asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” “Yes!” the guy says, “…a landmine blew my testicles away!” “O.K. you’re hired!” the interviewer announces, “Working hours are from 8 till 5 o’clock. Make sure you’re here by 10 every morning!” Puzzled the guy says “8 till 5, why do you want me to come in only at 10?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that….!”

The South African Librarian A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian takes one look at him and says “Voetsek, who’s gonna bring it back?” A Major Earthquake A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria this morning. 350 000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government does not know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country. Europe is sending food and money. South Africa is sending 350 000 replacement Nigerians. The Weakest Link In response to the popularity of The Weakest Link, Kyknet will be launching an Afrikaans version. After many months of creative brainstorming, they have managed to come up with a catchy version of: “You are the weakest link – goodbye.” The producers have settled on what will surely become a popular phrase, applicable to many other situations too ……… “Jy’s dof – fokof!”

Southern Grandma

 Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young
boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you
haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,> he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do
you know the defense attorney?” She again replied,
“Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can’t build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
 counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.

Diary of a new bride

 Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun
to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said,
“Beat 12 eggs separately”. Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out
fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
“Serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to
bring a friend
home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I
served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said,
“Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of
the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got
one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for
over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt
all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I’ll try and be
supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it”. Beat it I did, to my mum’s place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress
and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When
Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of
his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was
wrong he started crying and shouting out “Why me? Why me?”

It has to be his job.

Stupid Questions

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and
some equally stupid answers :-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question: – Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it’s so hot; there were no cool cabs so I thought i’d
watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia….. Why don’t you try
again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the “blah blah blah” dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly
also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:- No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout…it’s just
the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when
you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What
do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts
Answer:- And while I’m telling you, you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question :-Oh, so you smoke
Answer :-No, it’s a miracle ………..it was a chalk and now it’s in
flames!!!

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that

they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a
dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good
dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good
dentist, how  did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."

Clever Marketing

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of
money to spend.
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes
every day.
Ahmed says; Look at your sign, it says, “I have no work, a wife and six kids
to support.”
Britons who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving
you money.
You will still have no job and a large family.
Now look at my sign.
So Hamid looks and Ahmed’s sign reads,
“I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan”

Stupid Foreigners

 Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website
and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking or sniffing.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a
list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa?
(USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh
forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked..
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and
we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.. (USA)
 A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South
African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good
pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black),
rinkhals and municipal workers.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.*
*Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my
dress size, you dumb ass!”

The moral of the story: **Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

Not Funny

Little Johnny mistakenly enters his parents’ bedroom and sees his
mother on her hands and knees with his father giving it to her from
behind and slapping her on the ass. He sees Johnny and laughs, throws
a cushion at him and says, “Get out.”

A while later the father hears noises coming from Johnny’s room and
walks in to find Johnny shagging his gran from behind.

A shocked father screams,” What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Johnny replies, “Not so fcuking funny when it’s your mom, is it?”