“I know the whole truth”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, “I know the whole truth” – even when you don’t know
anything.
The boy goes home and decides to try it. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” The mother
quickly hands him a $20 and tells him, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work,
and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly
hands him $4o and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he
sees the mailman at the front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I
know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arm and
says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”

Not Funny

Little Johnny mistakenly enters his parents’ bedroom and sees his
mother on her hands and knees with his father giving it to her from
behind and slapping her on the ass. He sees Johnny and laughs, throws
a cushion at him and says, “Get out.”

A while later the father hears noises coming from Johnny’s room and
walks in to find Johnny shagging his gran from behind.

A shocked father screams,” What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Johnny replies, “Not so fcuking funny when it’s your mom, is it?”

BILLY’S GAY DANCER DAD

 Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays rugby for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say.”
 

Written by Kids

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you

like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she

should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going

to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out

later who you’re stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person

FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether

they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

enough.

 Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.

- Pam , age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to

mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is……

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

truck.

- Ricky, age 10

Little Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either.
Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
“Just be home in time for dinner,” his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4
I’ve got your mother. If you want to see her again, send the bike.

Signed:
You know who.

Dumb and Dumber

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I ! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me . As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough… it’s tougher if you’re stupid

Go little Matt

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE FOR 2007 SO FAR….

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the bond on this House
is R680 000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way We
can afford it.”

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door
With a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Matt told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I
Heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you To
wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying
here by myself with an R680 000.00 bond and no
F**king Bike

Love can conquer all…..

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. And, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Thelma’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then, he’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him”