Dumb and Dumber

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I ! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me . As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough… it’s tougher if you’re stupid

Indian Wedding Story

Boy meets Girl.

Boy meets girl’s father, father threatens to kill boy if he looks at
girl again. Girl tells father she’s going to movies with best friend but
sneaks off with boy to watch movies and have a generally good time.

Boy takes girl home to meet his mother. Mother is not impressed, girl is
dark and fat, she can’t cook, only eat, her son can do better. Girl is convinced Mother
hates her, boy is convinced mother loves her : )

2 Years later boy plucks up the courage to take his parents to girl’s
house. Mother makes nice fancy trays (just in case the girl’s parents
are rich), girl’s father is very agitated because he can’t watch the
cricket ( India vs Pakistan ). Boy’s family arrives, girl is all dressed
up in a sari and boy’s mother says “She looks just like Rani Mukherjee,
sooo pretty”. Girl’s parents are very happy, boys parents are also very
happy (note the contradiction from the initial meeting). They discuss
and wedding date is set for December (just because it’s the hottest time
of the year in Natal ). Boy’s mother wants to invite all her families and
half the neighborhood (because they all feel like Boy is also their
son), Girl’s mother also wants to invite all the families and the temple
group (because girl always helps when there is prayers). Fathers also
say they have to give everyone one plate food (they forgot about Chin
uncle, who eats 4 plates food) to celebrate their children’s’ wedding.
Then they set a date to go shopping for the wedding things.

Boy’s family must buy sari and jewels for girl and suit for boy. Only
the best (most expensive) sari will do, “because you know that Savi
aunty will come with one expensive banares”. Whole jewellery set
must be bought, earrings, necklace, nose ring and bangles – all in 24
carat gold. Boy must have nice kurta (like the one Hrithik wore in Khabi
khushi).

Make sure U book MTSS Hall (very big) and get that Muslim cook uncle
because he makes the best Soji.

Girl’s mother must have expensive sari. Sari from the India uncle
(because the shops are very expensive), boy’s mother must have one
better with mirror work blouse (just like the one Aishwarya wore to Iifa
Awards).

All aunts and uncles and cousins descend 10 days before the wedding – to
see what the bride is going to wear and make sure their daughter is
going to carry tray on the stage.

Nelengu takes place at home with all the aunties messing the bride like
it’s Holi celebrations. Everyone saying what a pretty bride she’ll make
(She’s thinking “If I don’t look like Kali trance with all the manja on
my face”).

Wedding eve:

Big party, granny was cooking the whole day because all
the family want to eat family specials. Girl gets all dressed up, the
mehdhi aunty arrives (one nice fat aunty from across the road).
Everyone is singing and dancing and enjoying while the girl sits still
for the mendhi aunty. Girl’s hands and feet are wrapped in plastic – to
keep from staining the bedsheets – and she goes to bed at 02h00.

Wedding Day: Girl wakes up 03h30 in the morning. The aunty who is doing
her hair has already arrived. Girl sits still for 3 hours while hair is
being pulled, pinned and her scalp is being torn off. Girl then puts on
R5000 sari from Memsaabs and R15000 jewellery from Naranda’s. Soo pretty
she looks, just like Kajol on her wedding day.

Then must drive from Gingingdlovu farm to Merebank (MTSS Hall), weddings
starts at 10h00 for 10h30 (it’s ok if girl arrives at 11h00). Boy is
waiting in the hall with mother, father, six brothers and 2 sisters from
10h00, because they live in Merebank. Boy is looking soo handsome
in Hrithik outfit and all his brothers are wearing just like Sharukh in
their Nehru suits.

Girl’s family arrives, couple walks down aisle to stage (pandal) at
11h30. Boy’s mother remembers, “Ayoo, we left the thaali in the house”.
Boy’s youngest brother runs to the car, sits inside, puts on loud rap
music – everyone in the hall can hear loud bass – starts the car goes to
the house to pick up thali.

Priest welcomes bridal couple and wedding starts. Aunty in the third row
telling her neighbour – “So dark girl, red sari they put for her”.
Neighbour says – “Ya, soo long they took my stomach is grumbling, I hope
they put enough salt in the food”

A very light-hearted look at Indian Weddings….. It is so entertaining
to be Indian J

Go little Matt

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE FOR 2007 SO FAR….

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the bond on this House
is R680 000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way We
can afford it.”

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door
With a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Matt told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I
Heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you To
wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying
here by myself with an R680 000.00 bond and no
F**king Bike

Love can conquer all…..

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. And, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Thelma’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then, he’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him”

New ideas….

I’ve decided to use this blog to post all the really funny and good jokes etc I get daily.  I do not forward joke emails so in order for me to share them I will post them here.

 I am doing this so that we can have a laugh every day and hopefully in doing so….make the day a little brighter.  They do say that “laughter is the best medicine” after all.

Hope you enjoy and let me know which you like!!