Diary of a new bride

 Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun
to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said,
“Beat 12 eggs separately”. Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out
fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
“Serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to
bring a friend
home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I
served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said,
“Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of
the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got
one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for
over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt
all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I’ll try and be
supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it”. Beat it I did, to my mum’s place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress
and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When
Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of
his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was
wrong he started crying and shouting out “Why me? Why me?”

It has to be his job.

Men vs Women

 CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I
can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the
New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
 
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws

 WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

 The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM ” He left it where
he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.*
*Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my
dress size, you dumb ass!”

The moral of the story: **Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

Written by Kids

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you

like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she

should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going

to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out

later who you’re stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person

FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether

they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

enough.

 Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.

- Pam , age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to

mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is……

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

truck.

- Ricky, age 10

For the ladies

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. “How would you like it if you
didn’t see me for a couple of days?”…..

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
“That would suit me just fine!!”

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
Little out of the corner of his left eye.

Lotto Kaartjie…..

Die vrou kom die aand aan by die huis met ‘n nuwe ring.
Haar man vra “waar kry jy dit?”
Sy sê sy en haar baas het saam lotto gespeel en die wengeld gedeel.
Volgende aand het sy ‘n nuwe selfoon.
Selfde storie. 3de aand het sy ‘n nuwe kar. Selfde storie.
Sy vra toe haar man moet vir haar badwater in tap. Toe sy daar kom, is die prop skaars toe met water.
Toe vra sy “hoekom is die water so min?”
Hy se: Ek is bang jou lotto kaartjie word nat!

Indian Wedding Story

Boy meets Girl.

Boy meets girl’s father, father threatens to kill boy if he looks at
girl again. Girl tells father she’s going to movies with best friend but
sneaks off with boy to watch movies and have a generally good time.

Boy takes girl home to meet his mother. Mother is not impressed, girl is
dark and fat, she can’t cook, only eat, her son can do better. Girl is convinced Mother
hates her, boy is convinced mother loves her : )

2 Years later boy plucks up the courage to take his parents to girl’s
house. Mother makes nice fancy trays (just in case the girl’s parents
are rich), girl’s father is very agitated because he can’t watch the
cricket ( India vs Pakistan ). Boy’s family arrives, girl is all dressed
up in a sari and boy’s mother says “She looks just like Rani Mukherjee,
sooo pretty”. Girl’s parents are very happy, boys parents are also very
happy (note the contradiction from the initial meeting). They discuss
and wedding date is set for December (just because it’s the hottest time
of the year in Natal ). Boy’s mother wants to invite all her families and
half the neighborhood (because they all feel like Boy is also their
son), Girl’s mother also wants to invite all the families and the temple
group (because girl always helps when there is prayers). Fathers also
say they have to give everyone one plate food (they forgot about Chin
uncle, who eats 4 plates food) to celebrate their children’s’ wedding.
Then they set a date to go shopping for the wedding things.

Boy’s family must buy sari and jewels for girl and suit for boy. Only
the best (most expensive) sari will do, “because you know that Savi
aunty will come with one expensive banares”. Whole jewellery set
must be bought, earrings, necklace, nose ring and bangles – all in 24
carat gold. Boy must have nice kurta (like the one Hrithik wore in Khabi
khushi).

Make sure U book MTSS Hall (very big) and get that Muslim cook uncle
because he makes the best Soji.

Girl’s mother must have expensive sari. Sari from the India uncle
(because the shops are very expensive), boy’s mother must have one
better with mirror work blouse (just like the one Aishwarya wore to Iifa
Awards).

All aunts and uncles and cousins descend 10 days before the wedding – to
see what the bride is going to wear and make sure their daughter is
going to carry tray on the stage.

Nelengu takes place at home with all the aunties messing the bride like
it’s Holi celebrations. Everyone saying what a pretty bride she’ll make
(She’s thinking “If I don’t look like Kali trance with all the manja on
my face”).

Wedding eve:

Big party, granny was cooking the whole day because all
the family want to eat family specials. Girl gets all dressed up, the
mehdhi aunty arrives (one nice fat aunty from across the road).
Everyone is singing and dancing and enjoying while the girl sits still
for the mendhi aunty. Girl’s hands and feet are wrapped in plastic – to
keep from staining the bedsheets – and she goes to bed at 02h00.

Wedding Day: Girl wakes up 03h30 in the morning. The aunty who is doing
her hair has already arrived. Girl sits still for 3 hours while hair is
being pulled, pinned and her scalp is being torn off. Girl then puts on
R5000 sari from Memsaabs and R15000 jewellery from Naranda’s. Soo pretty
she looks, just like Kajol on her wedding day.

Then must drive from Gingingdlovu farm to Merebank (MTSS Hall), weddings
starts at 10h00 for 10h30 (it’s ok if girl arrives at 11h00). Boy is
waiting in the hall with mother, father, six brothers and 2 sisters from
10h00, because they live in Merebank. Boy is looking soo handsome
in Hrithik outfit and all his brothers are wearing just like Sharukh in
their Nehru suits.

Girl’s family arrives, couple walks down aisle to stage (pandal) at
11h30. Boy’s mother remembers, “Ayoo, we left the thaali in the house”.
Boy’s youngest brother runs to the car, sits inside, puts on loud rap
music – everyone in the hall can hear loud bass – starts the car goes to
the house to pick up thali.

Priest welcomes bridal couple and wedding starts. Aunty in the third row
telling her neighbour – “So dark girl, red sari they put for her”.
Neighbour says – “Ya, soo long they took my stomach is grumbling, I hope
they put enough salt in the food”

A very light-hearted look at Indian Weddings….. It is so entertaining
to be Indian J

Marriage

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
Very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with
His old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the
Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
Different
Countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could
Think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they
Have frozen glasses… “

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
By saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
Getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t
Be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took
Out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
Blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty
Words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? .”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG,
AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A
F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER…GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

….and, they lived happily ever after.

Laugh a bit…

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
*David Bissonette *

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*Sacha Guitry*

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
*Hemant Joshi*

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. *Socrates*

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
*Dumas*

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
*Sigmund Freud*

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
*Anonymous*

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
*Henny Youngman*

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
*Sam Kinison*

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
*James Holt McGavran*

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
*Patrick Murray*

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
*Nash*

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
*Anonymous *

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
*Henny Youngman*

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
*Rodney Dangerfield *

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
*Milton Berle*

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
*Anonymous*

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
*Anonymous*

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy : “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”