Bored Husband

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along
to go shopping.

Dear Mrs. Murry,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of
offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance
cameras.

MEMO

Re: Complaints

15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, Code 3″ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag
of M&M’s on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department and asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his
“Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those
voices again!!!

And; last, but not least..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper
in here!”

Men vs Women

 CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I
can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the
New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
 
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws

 WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

 The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM ” He left it where
he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

“I know the whole truth”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, “I know the whole truth” – even when you don’t know
anything.
The boy goes home and decides to try it. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” The mother
quickly hands him a $20 and tells him, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work,
and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly
hands him $4o and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he
sees the mailman at the front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I
know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arm and
says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.*
*Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my
dress size, you dumb ass!”

The moral of the story: **Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

For the ladies

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. “How would you like it if you
didn’t see me for a couple of days?”…..

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
“That would suit me just fine!!”

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
Little out of the corner of his left eye.

Tips for the Ladies for 2008

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking , sweet, single male is someone else’s ex boyfriend!

Why men don’t write advice columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I
couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six
months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to
him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

Indian Wedding Story

Boy meets Girl.

Boy meets girl’s father, father threatens to kill boy if he looks at
girl again. Girl tells father she’s going to movies with best friend but
sneaks off with boy to watch movies and have a generally good time.

Boy takes girl home to meet his mother. Mother is not impressed, girl is
dark and fat, she can’t cook, only eat, her son can do better. Girl is convinced Mother
hates her, boy is convinced mother loves her : )

2 Years later boy plucks up the courage to take his parents to girl’s
house. Mother makes nice fancy trays (just in case the girl’s parents
are rich), girl’s father is very agitated because he can’t watch the
cricket ( India vs Pakistan ). Boy’s family arrives, girl is all dressed
up in a sari and boy’s mother says “She looks just like Rani Mukherjee,
sooo pretty”. Girl’s parents are very happy, boys parents are also very
happy (note the contradiction from the initial meeting). They discuss
and wedding date is set for December (just because it’s the hottest time
of the year in Natal ). Boy’s mother wants to invite all her families and
half the neighborhood (because they all feel like Boy is also their
son), Girl’s mother also wants to invite all the families and the temple
group (because girl always helps when there is prayers). Fathers also
say they have to give everyone one plate food (they forgot about Chin
uncle, who eats 4 plates food) to celebrate their children’s’ wedding.
Then they set a date to go shopping for the wedding things.

Boy’s family must buy sari and jewels for girl and suit for boy. Only
the best (most expensive) sari will do, “because you know that Savi
aunty will come with one expensive banares”. Whole jewellery set
must be bought, earrings, necklace, nose ring and bangles – all in 24
carat gold. Boy must have nice kurta (like the one Hrithik wore in Khabi
khushi).

Make sure U book MTSS Hall (very big) and get that Muslim cook uncle
because he makes the best Soji.

Girl’s mother must have expensive sari. Sari from the India uncle
(because the shops are very expensive), boy’s mother must have one
better with mirror work blouse (just like the one Aishwarya wore to Iifa
Awards).

All aunts and uncles and cousins descend 10 days before the wedding – to
see what the bride is going to wear and make sure their daughter is
going to carry tray on the stage.

Nelengu takes place at home with all the aunties messing the bride like
it’s Holi celebrations. Everyone saying what a pretty bride she’ll make
(She’s thinking “If I don’t look like Kali trance with all the manja on
my face”).

Wedding eve:

Big party, granny was cooking the whole day because all
the family want to eat family specials. Girl gets all dressed up, the
mehdhi aunty arrives (one nice fat aunty from across the road).
Everyone is singing and dancing and enjoying while the girl sits still
for the mendhi aunty. Girl’s hands and feet are wrapped in plastic – to
keep from staining the bedsheets – and she goes to bed at 02h00.

Wedding Day: Girl wakes up 03h30 in the morning. The aunty who is doing
her hair has already arrived. Girl sits still for 3 hours while hair is
being pulled, pinned and her scalp is being torn off. Girl then puts on
R5000 sari from Memsaabs and R15000 jewellery from Naranda’s. Soo pretty
she looks, just like Kajol on her wedding day.

Then must drive from Gingingdlovu farm to Merebank (MTSS Hall), weddings
starts at 10h00 for 10h30 (it’s ok if girl arrives at 11h00). Boy is
waiting in the hall with mother, father, six brothers and 2 sisters from
10h00, because they live in Merebank. Boy is looking soo handsome
in Hrithik outfit and all his brothers are wearing just like Sharukh in
their Nehru suits.

Girl’s family arrives, couple walks down aisle to stage (pandal) at
11h30. Boy’s mother remembers, “Ayoo, we left the thaali in the house”.
Boy’s youngest brother runs to the car, sits inside, puts on loud rap
music – everyone in the hall can hear loud bass – starts the car goes to
the house to pick up thali.

Priest welcomes bridal couple and wedding starts. Aunty in the third row
telling her neighbour – “So dark girl, red sari they put for her”.
Neighbour says – “Ya, soo long they took my stomach is grumbling, I hope
they put enough salt in the food”

A very light-hearted look at Indian Weddings….. It is so entertaining
to be Indian J

Fairytale for little girls….

Once upon a time in a land far away,a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: ” Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. “

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don’t f#$%n think so . . .

Marriage

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
Very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with
His old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the
Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
Different
Countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could
Think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they
Have frozen glasses… “

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
By saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
Getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t
Be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took
Out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
Blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty
Words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? .”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG,
AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A
F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER…GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

….and, they lived happily ever after.